Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
