I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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