If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
