Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
you will always have a special place in my vag
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
