There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
