I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
