i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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