I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
