It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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