im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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