They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
