My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
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Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
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You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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