hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Tornado booty call.. dedication
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
