I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
