my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
