She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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