Pants 0. Shit 1.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
