ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Did we literally take a cab across the street
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
