my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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