Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
