were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
BRING THE BAGELS
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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