Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
