wrigley field is MILF paradise
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
wow bdsm is so cute
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