She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
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I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
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Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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