The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
