I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
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