I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
