I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
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