Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
