So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
