My girlfriend figured out who you are.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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