...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I need a burrito and a hug.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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