I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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