I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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