Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
