Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
