He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
As shirtless as possible
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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