i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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