I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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