I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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