I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
