My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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