She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
