she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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