I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
