I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
We need to rekindle our bromance
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Liz is crying about burritos again.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
