shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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