Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
