So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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