Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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