News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
